Revised Introduction

In the following post, I will revise my introduction.

My new intro is better than my old one because it is more direct, and does not generalize. I feel like the new hook is ok, but still needs work. I tried to avoid redundancy so the second is a lot shorter but everything included in the new intro is still there and essential to the rest of the essay. I also mention what I will be doing, to at least give the reader a hint as to what this is about.

Rubensson, Fredrik. "diary writing." 07/20/2013 via Flickr.
9Attribution Sharealike 2.0 Generic License.

Old: Most people can say they have someone in their family that has been affected by cancer, whether it be breast cancer, lung cancer, etc. Elizabeth Wurtzel was directly affected when she herself was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year, and had to undergo many chemotherapy treatments and surgeries. To prevent this from happening to others, she is encouraging others to get tested for the BRCA gene. In Elizabeth Wurtzel’s article, “The Breast Cancer Gene and Me”, she persuades the reader to get tested for the BRCA gene mutation using rhetorical strategies, such as a personal narrative, tone, and her own reputation. The combination of ethos and pathos used in the article works effectively and achieves the authors goal of getting people concerned and informed about the BRCA gene.

New: At the young age of 15, my grandmother was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer and barely survived. Elizabeth Wurtzel was directly affected by cancer when she herself was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year, and had to undergo many chemotherapy treatments and surgeries. In her article, "The Breast Cancer Gene and Me", she persuades the reader to get tested using rhetorical strategies like personal narrative, tone, and her background. I will be analyzing her choice of rhetorical strategies, and their effectiveness.